So This Is What Goodbye Feels Like
by xxmagnetxx
Summary: Alexander is acting strangely toward Raven, and she begins to wonder why. This will eventuallly be a non-canon couple story! JaggerxRaven!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to anything. Not even a copy of Mulan! ='(**

**Now What?**

**So This Is What Goodbye Feels Like.**

"Come on!" I said laughingly, pulling on my amazingly gorgeous boyfriend's sleeve. "If we keep going this slow I'll miss curfew!" Even though I can now officially drive and have my own car, Alexander still insists that he walks me home every night. I would, under normal circumstances, have no objection to this. But tonight I wish deep down inside that he had let me drive home.

Alexander was being strangely distant, like I had done something I shouldn't have and he was trying to reprimand me for it. He wasn't be cold exactly, but his eyes had lost their sparkling of fiery love and passion. And worst of all, _he wouldn't kiss me._ He wouldn't hold me or my hand. It's like I accidentally tripped his off switch!

"I'm so very sorry Raven. I don't mean to slow you down. I just-I want as many moments with you as I can have." Alexander said turning to me. He didn't touch me, and there was no loving tenderness in his beautiful chocolate orbs.

"Really, Alexander? You've been acting like I don't exist all night! You won't kiss me. You won't hold me. You won't even touch me! If you wanted to 'spend all the moments with me that you can' then why don't you start right now?!" The hurt that I felt over his momentary rejection was turning into anger in my words. I took a step forward, only to have him take a giant step away.

" _Why? I don't know what I did! Just tell me and __**I'll fix it! Please!**__" _ I was beginning to break down now. All the anger was gone, and my hurt sparkled fresh and raw.

I could hear him murmur to himself, most of it indecipherable. My mind was reeling with all of the possibilities of why Alexander could be acting this way. His parents could have finally come to their senses and decided to make him move back home. He could have another arranged marriage. He could have some royal duty that's putting too much stress on him. Maybe he just got tired of dating the freaky little human girl.

_Ouch. _That one stung the most, probably because it was the one that made the most sense. I was so engrossed in my thoughts of Alexander's behavior that I hadn't noticed most of his one man struggle show. But I did catch his last movement. He reached towards me, as if to take my hand and lead me somewhere, but then dropped it back to his side with a pained look on his face.

" Raven. Come on. _I need to talk to you._" He said, not looking at me. Eyes diverted, hands at his side, face blank once more.

" No. If there's something you need to tell me, then you can do it right here. Right now."

I'm pretty sure that every girl knows what those dreaded words, or any form of them, means. _Breakup._

"Okay. I don't know how to say this exactly. I have to move back to Romania-"

"Oh! But now? Shouldn't we wait until after I finish high school? It'd been kinda hard to get into any decent college without a high school diploma...." I cut in, clearly relieved.

" Well, Raven. I Just-"

"You just what, Alexander?" I cut him off. He was just being so strange tonight, I didn't know what to do. It's like he doesn't want me to go with him or something, which is an absolutely ridiculous thought- _Wait. Maybe he really didn't want to go._

"A-Alexander?" I said in a small voice, holding back a sob of realization. "You don't want me to come, do you?" I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes now, and I know that he could he see them, too. Especially when he turned towards me and met my eyes.

"Oh, Raven! Don't cry! It's not- it's not that. I just… You… I _do_ want you to come…"

"No Alexander, you don't. I can see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice. We've been dating for years! I _know_ when something's bothering you and I can tell when you're lying! And right now, you are definitely lying!" By this point I was crying, my own self-deceiving tears slipping down my cheeks. I was going to be strong for this. I wouldn't let him comfort me, not this time.

"Raven, please listen to what I am saying! I _can't _bring you with me, even if I wished with all of my heart-and I do!- that I could, there is **no possible way.**" He got down on his knees in front of me and punctuated his last words by grabbing my hands.

"Oh?" I asked through my growing, but strong and silent, tears, "and just why is that?" I wasn't just going to let him brush this off like he does everything else. This time he won't get off so easy. At least, not with me. " You been 'forced' to move before, Alexander, but we found ways around that. What's so different about now?"

"Raven, you are not listening to me! I cannot take you! I cannot stay!" He was on his feet again, stalking to and fro in front of me on the side of the rode where we had stopped.

" Wait, let me answer my own question, since it appears that you're not going to. This time is different because you don't seem like you want to fight. In fact, you seem oh so happy to resign yourself to whatever fate awaits you back in Romania. Who is it you didn't tell me about this time? Another bestfriend? More parents? Another Kat? Another Luna?" He froze when I said _her_ name.

"Oh," I said, my voice changing from anger and mocking desperation into complete and total outrage. And hurt. More hurt than anything else. "It's _her_ isn't it? _Luna_?" I spit her name out. We had already dealt with her _and_ her awful family.

"Raven," Alexander said in a weak, regretfully sad tone, "I wanted to tell you, I really, truly did. But, life just…. got in the way?" He said the last part like a question, as if he wasn't sure what exactly it was that got in the way of his telling me about Luna. Come to think of it, he still hasn't told me. Still.

"So, what are going to do? Marry her? Oh wait, you already tried that. Unless, of course, you just went ahead and did it." He flinched when that one came out of my mouth. I was no longer crying, my voice had taken on a strong, sharp edge. All of it was fake, but he couldn't tell that.

"Ahh, so that's it. Alexander Sterling weds and turns Luna Maxwell and then flees the country. Tsk, tsk. Running away from your mate to go and play with the heart of some- some POOR LITTLE HUMAN GIRL!" I yelled that last part, hoping that it got through to him.

Shock crossed his face, and he opened his mouth to speak. I didn't want to hear it. So I took off running down the road. I run fast and I run hard, taking out all my aggression and anger and hurt on the pavement beneath my boots. Not surprisingly, I hear wings behind me, following me home. I don't stop to look; I don't stop to go through my front door. I go straight to my big oak tree and climb. There I sit for a good portion of the night, crying and rocking myself softly, telling myself how I didn't deserve to be treated and lied to like that. That I did the right thing my walking away with my heart only partially dismembered. I only half believe myself. Alexander Sterling has had my heart since the day I first saw him standing in the dark shadows of the Mansion. And sadly, he always will.

With this realization settling in, I begin to sob in short, gasping bursts. I crawl down the branch and fling myself into my room through the window. Then , I turn around and lock it, something I haven't done since Jagger and Luna left town. I burrow myself under my dark covers and cry myself to sleep, hidden from chocolate eyes that see in the dark, hidden from the world. Sometime in the night I am woken by a soft tapping on my window, but I ignore it, and, instead, fall back into a deep, deep sleep. And what would you know, it just happens to be the best sleep of my life.

**Author's Note: Soo? Any good? I have a song that inspired this… The whole story, actually… Nut we're not there yet, so I'll let you know when the time comes. Unless someone guesses ( I'll give you a hint, it has something to do with being on fire)! Anyway, review and tell me what you thought! Remember, Reviews= faster working author! ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Alrighty! Another chapter! Yeah, yeah, I know I've had all week to write it, but I didn't. Not that you couldn't have figured that out on your own or anything… =) I own nothing. Nothing. **

I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried while I was working myself up out of bed, I cried while I was getting dressed. I cried in the shower, I cried while texting Becky to pick me up a little later than normal. Honestly, I was a mess. But then the time came to put on makeup. I wasn't in a rush this morning, it seemed that crying myself to sleep had its upsides, one of which included waking up early. _Or it could be that I just don't want to go back to sleep._ Yeah, that was probably it. I was afraid of what I would find in my un-tear-induced coma. Either way, I am resolving to be strong from this moment on. No more crying or moping around, not like the first time he left me. I, Raven Madison, am now my own person, not dependent on any man,_ vampire_ my inner voice said, but completely and totally strong in and of herself. At least that's what I told myself as I slathered on my eyeliner and mascara, then checked my apparel in the mirror. I had chosen to go for a sexy, strong look today. My fierce, edgy Goth look had taken a slight down turn since Alexander and I had become a couple, he didn't exactly approve of the figure-flaunting outfits I wore, and I was, now that I think back, kind of afraid of him. Which is absolutely silly, I mean he'd never hurt me! He's just not that type of person! _Was he?_

_Great, _I thought as I heard Becky's car horn outside, _I spent all of my morning pondering about whether my EX- boyfriend was a wife-beater! I didn't even get to eat! And now I have to go explain to Becky why I'm suddenly sexing it up… If she hasn't already heard._ I let out a groan as I pushed out of my room and barreled down the stairs, grabbed my bag and flew out the door. I didn't stop to speak to my parents, I didn't trust myself around them yet. Becky, I could handle. My acting skills only really worked with people I was close to. _Which would explain why it was so easy to be 'angry' with a certain someone last night. _ My inner self really needed to quit being so deductive! But, it was right. Alexander had been the closest I'd ever let a person get to me, my whole life. _Had been_, my inner self chimed in again. That hurt, too. I didn't want to let Alexander go, but he had _lied_ to me. For _two years_. About being married- no, _mated_ – to Luna! That was just something I could not, on any level of hell, forgive. He had played me, and I had gone along with it, blissfully unaware of his secret agenda, happily ignorant of the real reason why his parents tried so hard to force him back to Romania. "He needs to be with his family, you understand." That was what she, his _mother_, had told me. Of course, she had meant so much more in that statement then I could ever understand.

"Raven? Hello? Are you okay?" Becky waved her hand in front of my face to get my attention.

" Yeah, I- ah- I'm just lost this morning, I guess." I pulled out my fake smile and gave it to her full force.

" No, you're not Raven. Even I can see through that bag you have over your head." She sounded disdainful, as if I was in the wrong for no blurting out all of my troubles as soon as I stepped into her car. " Raven, what happened?" She asked this last part in a gentle tone, stepping into her role as my best friend.

Ofcourse, my throat chooses this moment to completely close up on me. I was gasping for air as I attempted to answer her. " I- we, we broke up, Becky." A sob came out along with my words and I collapsed back against the seat and began to shake. I shook, but I didn't I cry, I wouldn't, that was all done and over with. _He_ was all done and over with.

"What?! Raven! When? Did he hurt you?! WHAT HAPPENED??" Becky jerked the car to a stop and grabbed me in her warm, homely embrace. I let myself go and went limp against her, all of my energy drained from lack of food and exhaustion. _Well, I guess that must have been adrenaline earlier._ I expected this from Becky, it was one of the things I had been preparing myself for this morning; how to break it to her, how to answer her questions, how to keep her from ruining her relationship with Sebastian over this.

" I- Well, last night, that's when it happened, and-"

" Start at the beginning! Don't hold it in either, let it out full force on me. Whatever pops into your head, say it." Geese, I loved this girl, even if she did interrupt me. She was like my own personal therapist, always has been.

"Ok, well… I guess it started last night. He was being so distant! Cold, closed off and lonesome. He's always been like that, now that I've said it, he' always seemed kind of… Empty, not – there. Oh, Becky!" I was starting to shake from the intensity of my emotions now, holding them back for Becky's sake. She wasn't, after all, the one I wanted to let them out on. " You know, he was married all along. Married or whatever you want to call it. Covet-ceremonied."

"Excuse me?!" Becky was livid. She looked like a Mama Wolf whose cubs were being poked at by poachers. " He **WHAT**? How could…. But that's, that is DISGUSTING."

" I know, Becky, I know. And, well, he has to go to Romania. At least that's what he told me last night. I'm just assuming was truth, since nothing else seems to be. He told me that I couldn't come, that he_ didn't want me to come_. And now I know why. _Luna._" I felt my self growl on that word.

" Wha-What? But how could…. How could Sebastian not have told me about this?!.." She sat in her seat, shocked and angry out of her mind. This is exactly what I pictured, too. I knew that it would be my fault when she got angry with her boyfriend, who just happened to be a certain person's bestfriend_, and knew everything about him_. I really didn't want this. She and Sebastian were perfectly happy together, even if he did live oceans away for the majority of the time!

" Becky! Becky, listen! This is not your, or Sebatian's, fault! It's _mine_! _I_ let him deceive me, and _I_ let him play with my heart! It's _my_ problem! Not yours." She sat still for a few minutes, and I almost started to believe that something was truly wrong with her. But, she then proceeded to make a very angry phone call to a very surprised and self proclaimed innocent vampire. Unfortunately for him, my best friend wasn't buying it.

" We'll talk about it later Sebastian! I don't believe you for a minute!.... Oh really?.... You expect me to _believe_ that? That you just didn't know anything?... So they just had some kind of secret covenant ceremony that no one but the five us now know about?.... Uh-huh. Whatever you say. Hmph." She was mocking him about the ceremony, and I'm positive that he could tell. Even though I couldn't hear his end, I got a good impression of what he was saying by watching Becky's face.

" He told me didn't know anything about it!" Becky still didn't believe him, I could just tell. I, on the other hand, did.

" I think he's telling the truth. _He_," I choked on his name, " can fool whoever he wants, whenever he wants. And he's done fooling me! I'm done with _him!_ " Becky smiled at my acceptance of the situation. Sadly, though, it wasn't acceptance. I was still hurting; I would be for awhile. I was scarred. Never again would I be able to trust and love so quickly. Especially those who seemed as if they deserved it, those always turned out to be the sneaky ones, didn't they?

**Author's Note: So, not the best chapter out there, I know. But we really get into it next chapter, so be prepared! Remember, reviews= well, life's just better that way! **


	3. Chapter 3

While the slanting rain pounded into my roof, one word came to mind. _Beautiful._ It was a strange thought, but then again, when wasn't I strange? My school day had passed rather uneventfully, Becky making calls to Sebastian when she could. My rigorous senior courses turned out to be quite easy. Possibly because I lacked a certain dark-haired distraction? Of course, I thought of Him; people never forget their first love. No one but Becky had yet learned of our breakup. I had evaded my parents and Billy boy, who were all out to dinner with Billy boy's friend Henry for dinner. They assumed I was with Him. Instead, I was sitting on the Madison family couch, eating homemade rice krispies and filling out my early decision application to Stanford. It was time to find myself, not AlexanderandRaven-me, but RavenAtremisMadison-me.

I had always wanted to go to Stanford. Always in the back of my mind, it had been my dream. When I met Alexander, however, it got pushed away. California was sunny, and vampires _**did not**_ do sun.__I hadn't thought about it for awhile, but after my tragic evening, I was sure that's where I wanted to be. _Needed_ to be. Going away was part of my healing process, something that had to be done in order to live my life. Could barely even _think_ his name without my throat closing up and my tears making themselves known. I had almost reached my breaking point last night, and was sure to be pushed toward it again. Strength is something to choose; something that I chose. I had strength with Becky when I told her not to be angry with her Sebastian; I had strength when I didn't lose myself in the bathroom after my encounter with Trevor.

_ The sound of my locker slamming announced his presence, one that I couldn't deny. I flicked my eyes up to his earthy green orbs, for the first time noticing how green they actually were. He smirked down at me and extended his hand. Which I promptly ignored. It would be awhile until I could trust anyone, other than Becky, to help me do anything. _

_ "Raven," he said in his usual cool-boy-smooth-as-soft-serve-ice-cream voice. "What're you doing down on the floor like that? I know you like it on the ground, but now doesn't seen to be the right time or place… HOWEVER. If you would like-"_

_ "UCK. Please, Trevor! Like you would know how any girl likes it, much less one with a sense of morale." I took it as a good sign that I was able to keep up a banter with my nemesis._

_ "Oh? But Raven, don't you recall our little escapade on your last birthday? You aren't up for a repeat performance?" He shot me that glistening, Colegate add smile. I rolled my eyes at the benefit of the meanderers overhearing our conversation._

_ "I remember," I purred in a sexy voice not at all my own. I took a step closer to him, and as I was about to continue with "I remember your whitey titeys hanging from your locker," he made an unintentional blow to my fragile state of mind._

_ "Such a naughty little girl! And I'm liking this new style of dress, too. What, did monster boy dump you to go be with the real Munsters?"_

_Ouch._

_I jumped up from where I was still crouched and ran towards the bathroom. I spent my lunch period fighting off urges to self-harm._

I chose to have strength. I chose to keep myself alive.

If the blood wouldn't remind of Alexander, I would do it. But, instead, I chose to make myself marshmallow-y treats and fill out an application to the college of my dreams.

The growling thunder made a nice soundtrack to my constant emotions of hurt, betrayal and pain. I was somber, but not sad. I deserved better than what I had gotten, and one day I would find it. My heart was broken, but I would rise again in love's tide.

I finished my essay, double-checked it and was polishing off my final copy when I heard a heavy knock on the front door.

**Author's Note: Alright, I'm sorry this took so long. School, no free time over the summer, etc. You pick an excuse… And I'm sorry that this is short. I was writing like a mad woman… Then my WHOLE family came into the room, started watching TV and talking, and bothered me about what I was writing. I'll sneak away and write more as soon as I can ;) So review: Tell me your thoughts, tell me a story similar to mine. =)**


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